


Into perspective (Light Yagami/L Lawliet)

by Angelic_Harmony



Category: Death Note
Genre: AU, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Complete, Depression, Finally finished, Fluff, Guilt, Guilty!Light Yagami, Heavy Angst, L is confused, Light is sad, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Not A Fix-It, Rebuiling, Self Harm, Ugh, au where Light regains his memory on the helicopter and is disgusted with himself, but it fails, completed work, disgust, really really slow updates, tags added as story progresses, this is really bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-13
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-07-23 19:21:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 25
Words: 15,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7476687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angelic_Harmony/pseuds/Angelic_Harmony
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Light gives up the Death Note, with his elaborate plan to get it back, everything all set up to go just right, his cynical murderer side doesn't count on the new memories created to make Light not want anything to do with... What he did.</p><p>Au where Light regrets everything and turns himself in.</p><p>(Near and Mellow at end)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own any of the characters in Death Note, nor do I make any profit from this story. Enjoy.

_He wasn't planning for this._

_He never planned for this._

_And yet this is how it's played out._

The helicopter blades whir above Light, as he stares down at Higuchi, biting his lip nervously as the others panic and scramble to understand the sudden discovery of Shingami. A part of this memory stirs at the idea of them, Death Gods, beings of absolute power over life and death. Scribbling names into their books if they so please...

Leaning forward, Light finally breaks, "I want to see too!" sealing his fate, the plan he himself had set out as Kira, as the murderer of all those people. L turns and stares at him, the dark rims around his eyes giving him the appearance of an owl, or similar creature, and he bites his thumbnail absentmindedly, holding the Death Note between his thumb and forefinger, "Let me see the Shingami!" Light insists.

L studies him, biting off his thumbnail only to move onto the next finger on his hand, finally handing it over and staring back intently at Higuchi, his voice now seems far away to Light, as the damn filled with memories bursts and he presses back into his seat, staring intensely at the presumably female Shingami which is staring at him. The memories tear through him, every single one twisted and morphing itself into his head. L turns and give a small smile at him.

"It's quite shocking, I will admit, I thought that Shingami did not exist, in fact, before I would have said that I believed 100% that they did not exist," L states, turning forward again to have another yell at the coward at the ground, blubbering about how he didn't mean any of it.

The plan quickly returns to Light, and he opens the small compartment of his watch, picking up the needle, about to write down _Kyosuke Higuchi_ in his own blood, only to have his thoughts interrupted by a gunshot.

Higuchi had been shot, his blood spilling out on the road, bright red and purple under the police cars flashing lights.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N  
> Warning! Minor mention of disordered eating.

Sounds bursts back into existence for Light as he watches with a creeping disgust at the blood pooled on the ground, it wasn't meant to go like this. The Death Note temporarily forgotten, he leans forward, a wave of anger flushing over him as he stares at a cowering police officer, who is trembling visibly even from this distance. L stares down at the scene with the same calculating eyes as always, before shaking his head.

"He wasn't the real Kira anyway," he states, so bold and confident, which makes Light freeze a little, fear clutching at his senses, only to fade as L turns to him, worry which is uncharacteristic for him seeping into his voice, "Light-Kun, are you feeling alright?"

Light falls back in his seat, dropping the Death Note to the floor, "Just perfect," he replies, voice tense, "We go through all that, and you... **YOU SAY HE ISN'T THE REAL KIRA**!!!" he pauses, unsure of whether that was the correct way for, well, L's view of an innocent Light to react. The anger of his plan not going exactly right clouds his logic, as he clutches onto his seat, knuckles turning white, "You still think I am, don't you!?"

After a few moments of silence, Light finally calms down enough for his logic to come back to him, and realises, with a start, that his plan did work. Maybe not how he planned, but it still worked; just. It was lucky he was holding the Death Note while the previous owner died. While he nearly lost everything he worked for... He didn't. The smugness of winning causes him to laugh, pausing with a jolt as L gives him a funny look.

Thinking fast, L says the first thing that comes to mind, "We lived, didn't we!?" more laughter bursts from Light, his smile hurting his cheeks, "He may not have been the real Kira, but we lived!"

L cracks a small smile, watching as his friend celebrates his not dying, and laughs a little as well, curiosity piqued and already beginning to analyse the situation. Light's laughter seems to be real, but he paused after being stared at. If he wasn't Kira, why would he do that? If he was Kira, why would he do that? He comes up with various reasons for both, only to be interrupted by Light pausing, his laughter fading along with his smile.

"Ryzaki-Kun, we should go," Light suggests, his voice softer, "Bring back the... Death Note, and check it out."

Nodding, L turns back forward, the last thing on his mind being the smug look on Light's face, and the almost monstrous laughter echoing in his ears.

~~~

"There are so many rules, but these two strike me as the most important right now," L announces, "I'd say there is a 98% chance that they are most important; _If the user of the Death Note fails to consecutively write names within 13 days of each other, then the user will die,_ and; _If a person makes this notebook unusable by tearing it up or burning it, all the humans who have touched the Death Note will die,_ which makes no sense, why have such rules?" he mutters the last four words, stirring his tea while squatting on his chair, chewing lhis lip absentmindedly, "We could always test the 13-"

Eyes widening, Soichiro leaps from his seat, spilling his coffee onto the floor, "We are not going to test that rule!" causing everyone in the room to look over at him nervously. L studies him, his hands pressed together like he is praying, making Soichiro nervously look around to his team members, "C'mon... Guys, you agree with me, right?"

Light stands in the corner, tuning out the conversation, certain that his plan is going to work, when a wave of nausea rushes over him. He slumps against the wall, quickly excusing himself and making his ways to the toilets.

Locking himself into a cubicle, Light falls onto his knees, closing his eyes and grimacing, before throwing up into the toilet, his mouth burning from the bile, and throat stinging as well, his body shakes from the violent outburst and it takes him a couple of minutes for his stomach to settle.

Despite this, he has the sick sense of pride. He's winning, he's going to win. He's going to be reverred as Kira, as ruler, as a God.

But does he want that?

Another wave of nausea hits him, as he realises... He's dusgusted, not at not having the plan go exactly right... But at himself.

He contemplates this as he empties the contents of his stomach into the toilet bowl, feeling weakness for the first time in years. True weakness, like as a kid when he had a stomach bug, or when he got an 80% on a test he thought he had nailed. The gut wrenching despair and overwhelming anxiety of weakness.

"Kira shouldn't have weaknesses," Light mutters to himself, finally standing and unlocking the cubicle door, "Kira doesn't have weaknesses," and he walks out, meeting the gaze of L, mid sip of his tea, head tilted slightly to the side.

"Light-Kun, you're pale," he states, taking a drink and setting his cup down on a desk, "Are you feeling alright?"

It takes a few moments for Light to respond, but when he does, his voice is croaky, nearly gone from the injuries to his throat, "I'll be fine, just a little sick," he states, not wanting to show weakness. L stands, and slouches, making his way across the room, he picks up the Death Note, and hands it to Light.

"As you are equally as intelligent as me, if not more, I admit, so I want to know your opinion on the two rules we were discussing earlier," L informs, "We were thinking of testing out the 13 days rule," a short cough from Soichiro interrupts him, and L sighs, " **I** was considering testing it out."

Instantly, Light comes up with a way to make it seem like the rule existed, by writing whoever wrote a name in the Death Note after 13 days- only to feel nauseas again, and quickly sit down, pinching his leg to distract himself.

"Light," Soichiro walks forward, grabbing his arm and looking at him worriedly, "You don't look well, you should go home!"

Shaking his head, Light stands again, "It's fine, I'm just tired," and he fake yawns, trying to get the attention off of himself. L shakes his head, along with the other team members.

"Go on, we can handle it, and we won't decide anything too important until you come back," L assures him, giving him a small smile, "Go home and get some rest."

Unable, and unwilling to argue, Light nods, taking his leave with the shame of showing weakness to his enemy.

Weakness which he has inflicted upon himself.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N  
> Warning! Again, mild mentions of disorders eating.

L sits in silence, the dark rims around his eyes making him look even more tired than usual, even though he's currently at the peak of his mental capabilities, he holds a single page of the Death Note they had confiscated from Higuchi in his left hand, staring intently at it, as if an idea will write itself on the lines. Sighing, he places it down, tilting his head back, popping his neck with a satisfying **crack**. His eyes close, completely not tired, so he opens them again, to be met by the Shinigami's unblinking eyes.

Clearing his throat, L stares back, trying to figure out, something, from the Shinigami's unwavering stare, the longer he stares, however, the more lost he gets, more confused, so he leaps off of his chair, his usual slouch returning as he paces back and forth across the room.

"Shinigami-"

"My name is Rem, human."

"My name is L, Shingami."

And back to silence, Rem gazes at him, looking positively bored and uninterested in the bustling of everyone else there. Rem tilts her head to the side, a demonic smile crossing her face, and she chuckles, turning her body away from him, leaving L to puzzle over this new mystery. Why was the Shini- why was Rem laughing? All he did was state his name was L, that can't possibly be the reason she is laughing...

She floats away, before he can say anything, she goes through a wall and out of sight. L bristles, he hates not knowing how she can do that. He likes facts and hard figures, not guesswork and legends. A book that can kill? Why? How? A headache begins to pound I'm his skull, as he paces more. Kira; Light. But that can't possibly be true, if the 13 day rule is true, then Light and Misa wouldn't have been able to kill anyone. However, they could have renounced their Death Notes. However however however. Every single possibility burns through his skull, leaving him with a worse headache than before.

 _Misa_ L's thoughts drift back to the, how can he put it, strange individual. It's clear that she was scarred by the murder of her parents, and wants to believe that Kira is her saviour. However, out of those people Ligh- **Kira** killed, some were innocent, many in more recent murders (still before Light and Misa being locked up) had done petty crimes, petty criminals who normally would get petty punishments. They shouldn't have been killed.

He would bring Kira to justice no matter what.

~~~

At home, Light smiles to Sayu, kissing her on the forehead and waving to his mother who is cooking something in the kitchen, as he goes upstairs. Sayu makes a grossed out noise and wipes her head, "Light! I'm not a baby anymore!"

He rolls his eyes as he enters his room, before noticing something off.

By off, he means Misa sitting on his bed. He cringes inwardly as she tilts her head to the side, her nails chipped and hands covered in dirt from digging up the other Death Note, her eyes filled with tears, "I-I made the eye trade a-again, I went outside your work but you'd already left for home. Kira-" and Light covers her mouth, staring her dead in the eyes as she looks up at him, spooked and trembling.

"Misa, I don't love you and I never will love you," he states softly, removing his hand from her mouth and sighing, sitting next to her on the bed, "You are very pretty, gorgeous even-" she glares at him, her eyes leaking tears of resentment, "Misa I used you, and I never wanted you to use the eye trade again. You only have a quarter of your life left, you say you were to live to only 80, you'll die at 20, I'm sorry Misa!" his eyes fill with tears as he stands, "I don't want to date you!"

The room lapses into silence, as she sniffles and bites her lip, finally standing and giving the Death Note to Light so he can see Ryuk. Weeping, she pushes Light away as he goes to grab her arm, "I renounce the Death Note," she states, her eyes going glassy as she forgets the things she's done. The things she and Light have done. All she's left with is the bitterness between her and Light, "I never want to see you again, you jerk," she growls, opening the window and clambering out of it, leaving without a trace.

Ryuk floats out the window, "I'm gonna go follow her, and make sure nothing happens to her for you."

Flopping back on his bed, Light stifles a sob into the back of his hand, guilt consuming him to the core, as he falls asleep.

~~~

He awakes to his mother shaking his arm softly, "Dinner's ready! Your father and a young man are here for dinner," Light rolls over, his nausea creeping back at the thought of dinner, as his mother sits next to his, pressing a hand to his forehead, "You don't look well Light, you should come down and try eating."

"Not hungry," comes the muffled response from his face pressed into his sheets, "I'll come down though," he sits up slowly, his stomach giving an unwanted lurch as he clutches on the sheets, "Who's with dad?" he finally asks after a minute of trying to not puke.

His mother smiles at him, "A lovely man called Ryzaki, he says you're both friends, he... Seems a little strange in his behaviours, but he is nice, I'll see you downstairs in a minute," and she leaves. Light pulls the Death Note out from underneath him, putting it in his desk as he tries fixing his hair, and cringes at the taste in his mouth.

As he goes downstairs, a wave of disgust crawls over him, as he slides down the wall quietly, his throat stinging and eyes filling with tears, he made Misa cry, he's killed so many people, he even thought about killing his family to get suspicion off of him! He doesn't deserve to be here, he doesn't deserve it-

He's justice! He's only doing what is necessary to cleanse the world of evil! It's rotten to the core!

But is this the right way to do it?

Rocking himself back and forth, Light finally stands, wiping the tears from his eyes, disgusted at the weaknesses he's presenting, so he recollects himself, walking out to the curious eyes of his family and L. L nods to him, holding his fork in the peculiar way of his, at least he was wearing a less crinkled shirt, which is a button down, and a tighter pair of black jeans (which he looks immensely uncomfortable in). His mother is busy serving everyone, and the only seat available is the one next to L.

Sighing, Light sits next to him, the hairs on the back of his neck raising uncomfortably as L stares at him, his eyes unblinking, owl-like. Sayu cracks a joke, causing everyone to laugh, L and Light merely out of not wanting to look suspicious to the other.

As his family tucks into their dinner, (Light with no plate in front of him, L eating to sweetest things first) L leans over and mutters in Light's ear, "You've been crying, which I am 87% sure of it being because you're feeling guilty," Light tenses, and L recalculates, "93% sure," and he pulls away, leaving Light to his own thoughts. Ryuk still hadn't returned from his ~~stalking~~ **following** of Misa.

Light leans over and whispers in L's ear, "Guilty of what? Hmm?" and pulls away, feeling a blush crawling up his cheeks as L turns and gives him a small smile.

"Many things Light," and he leaves it at that. Light looks away, stomach clenching as his mother offers him some food.

"No thanks mum... I'm not hungry."


	4. Chapter 4

After a pleasant dinner with Light's family, (Light notably not eating any food, how peculiar) L stands, "Well, it was a pleasure meeting you Sayu-Sanma, and Sachiko-Sama, but I must take my leave," he glances towards Light, trying to gauge his reaction at the suspicions he'd pushed onto him earlier. Blankness is all he gleams from the glance, "Well, I'll be, as they put it, 'off' now-"

"Oh no! You have to stay, it is far to late for you to be going anywhere!" Sayu pipes up, blinking her eyes softly at the startled L, "Ryzaki-San, you should stay the night!" and L gulps, looking over to Soichiro with a creeping sensation of worry curling into his gut.

L quickly assesses the situation, he definitely isn't what most girls think of as, well, attractive, (information he is gauging off the complete lack of females who confess attraction to him) unlike Light, so Sayu probably isn't flirting with him. Soichiro is half smiling, a look of welcoming in his gaze. L glances to Light's mother, Sachiko and notices the same look.

"As kind as your offer is, I can-"

"You should stay," Soichiro gruffly states, "We don't want you hurt, as another member of the Kira Investigation Team, if we lose you we may as well lose everything we've ever worked for, please stay the night."

Sighing softly, L replies in a monotonous voice, "If you insist."

~~~

Light lies awake, the footsteps of L pacing around his room sending sharp pierces of pain through his skull, making his already bad headache worse by the minute. The same gut wrenching nausea from before seems to hit him harder than ever, making him curl onto his side, listening as L mutters aloud to himself. Ryuk floats in the room, many a time having L pass straight through him. This doesn't make his illness any better, so he sits up.

Whirling around, L stares at him with wide eyes, the distinct owlish look daunting and hollow on his face. The bags under his eyes seem to have grown over the past few hours, the lack of clear light making his face appear more hollow than ever.

"Light-Kun, you're still awake, when one is sick with a minor illness, the best medicine is sleep," he states, stepping forward slowly, his poor posture making him look even more daunting, "Even I sleep when I am ill, and I don't require it, it is nothing but a setback," he trails off as Light leans his head forward, clutching his knees, L stares at him, his eyes widening, "Light-Kun?"

Before he can say anything else, Light lets out a shaky breath, leaning his head back, as a tear falls down his cheek. Instantly L comes up with different reasons for this reaction, only for them all the shatter as Light lets out a small sob, clutching his arm and lowering his head.

"Sorry," he mutters hands shaking as his hair falls over his eyes. Confusion clouds L's mind, as he walks closer, and sits next to him on the bed, slowly placing his hand on Light's arm. He pulls away, "Don't!" and scrambles to the other side of the bed, "I'll only hurt you!"

L stares at him, "How will you hurt me?"

"Everyone who gets to close to the truth dies."

"Light-Kun-"

"I'M KIRA!" he shouts, tears streaming from his eyes, as his hands tremble, "I... I'm a monster..." and his eyes slide closed, as he faints, slumping against the wall, making L gasp in shock, before composing himself, standing and poking his head out the door.

"Soichiro your son just fainted after admitting to being Kira."

"WHAT!?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N  
> Warning! Mild hints at self harm.

As Light slowly returns to consciousness, it takes him a few moments to come to the conclusion that he is definitely **not** in his room anymore. The cool, hard concrete which his cheek is resting against is the first indicator. As he opens his eyes groggily, Light winces, feeling his stomach twist as he moves to get up. Touching the grey ground, and running his fingers along it, he realises that everything in the room is composed of various shades of grey.

His first thought is of Sayu, and he winces, he's probably never be able to see his sister again... Why was he such a failure?

A crackling voice emanates from a speaker somewhere in the room, Light can't be bothered to pinpoint exactly where it's coming from, or listen properly to the voice. He closes his eyes again, feeling a sob building up in throat at he remembers everything he's done. How could he have screwed up so badly? He just fucked up didn't he? His mind buzzes as he tries clearing it, and the voice crackles out again. This time he attempts to listen to it, missing words, more listening to the tone than anything else.

"Light... Kira... Murder... Are you... Is... Listening?" Light fights the urge to stand, keeping himself on the ground, and beginning to curl himself up, "Your father... Light...? Are... We'll feed you when you wake... Son...?"

" **KIRA!!!** " Light snaps his eyes open, his breath hitching as he recognises the voice. He slowly pulls himself up, unsure of how long he's been slipping in and out of consciousness, he glances over at the closed door, breathing hard as he stares at every nook and cranny, before resting his eyes on the camera in the top left corner on the wall with the door, with a speaker next to it. Ryuk floats next to him, tilting his head to the side. The voice, now recognised as L's, speaks again, "KIRA! That is who you are, a mass murderer," he doesn't even sound angry, merely tired, like he's just run a long race. Perhaps that's how he felt, and Light lost, because he gave up, now L is here to gloat, "Light Yagami, the infamous killer Kira, not even brave enough to fight until the end; you gave up!"

Light knows he's about to start weeping from the choking sensation in the back of his throat, and the way his hands clench, as he stares into the camera. Slowly, he raises his arms in a stiff shrug, biting his lip and leaning his head down to stop L from seeing his tears. He can't show weakness; not again. The shame of showing tears to his enemy crawls through him, and he clenches his fists tighter, restraining the sobs, only just managing to croak out, "Better than what I was planning, would you rather I went ahead with my devious plan to kill you?" and the first tears fall down his concealed cheeks.

The silence is suffocating, and Light instantly wishes he could sink into a deep pit in the ground, remembering the days spent locked up in the other cell, having renounced the death note, he believed he was innocent, and waited in the hope that he'd finally be released. Now he's sitting here waiting for L to swing the executioner's axe, to tell him he'll get the Death Penalty... He chokes up, scratching against the ground, cutting open the tips of his fingers, as he lets put a small sob.

His blood leaves small, red trails on the concrete, and Light stares at them, then he glances down at himself. The paleness of his skin, and his pale cloths give the illusion of him being a ghost. But the blood is definitely real. Definitely from him.

Shaking, he scoots himself backward, as he bumps against a bed, he clutches onto it, realising that it is grey as well. Barely able to breathe, he leans his head against the mattress (why did they lay him on the concrete floor when there was a mattress in the room?) and slowly closes his eyes again, the image of the bright crimson against the dull grey of the concrete burned into his mind as he falls asleep.

~~~

L leans back in his seat, watching as Light falls into a doze, before he picks up his tea, sipping it softly as he continues staring at the screen, more owl-like than ever, as Soichiro sobs in the chair next to him. Tilting his head towards the shaking man, L frowns, "Mr. Yagami-" he begins, only to be cut off from a loud wail escaping the older man, his wife pats his arm, crying silently, while Sayu stands further back, shell shocked; while watching the family process the fact that Light is Kira, L finds himself trembling.

Finally, Sayu walks next to the trembling detective, "Can I talk to him?" her voice is soft, and barely able to be heard, the opposite of her normally, the smiling and loud girl that Soichiro always talked about. L nods to Sayu, climbing off of his chair.

"You press that button and talk into the microphone," he explains, walking away before she can thank him. L clasps his hands together, leaving the room and slumping against a nearby wall. He's won. He beat Light in his ridiculous game, he won... So why does he feel so empty?

Ryuk floats through the wall next to him, causing L to jump and move away, as Rem floats through as well, both of them looking downcast. Opening his mouth, L stares at the two of them, before finally swallowing, "Umm... Hello? Rem, is it? And-?"

"Ryuk," he grumbles, glaring intently at L, causing the detective to shift nervously, before Ryuk sighs, "Do you have any apples? I really need one."

"... Yeah... I'll show you where they are," L finally replies, leading him down the hallway, breathing a sigh of relief.

~~~

"Light... Are you awake?" Sayu asks through the microphone, her eyes filling with tears, as she stares at the screen, showing his slumped form, "I... I just... You're Kira... I never would have known, stupid me. I should have known from the beginning," she takes in a deep shuddering breath, "I knew you became more distant over the years, and I tried finding out why, but I'm not as smart as you. I never was," she bites her lip, looking up at the ceiling as she finally breaks, her shoulders shaking from the sobs escaping her, "I wish everything could go back to normal."

Letting go of the microphone, she stumbles over to her mother, who's opened her arms to pull her into a hug. The three remaining Yagami weep together over what should have been...

Not noticing Light on the camera cutting his wrists open on his handcuffs, smearing his blood onto the wall, the single splash of bright colour in the dull room.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N  
> Warning! Basically from now on there is going to be heavy mentions of disordered eating and self harm/contemplation of suicide.

L gasps, air knocking out of his lungs as he spots the red writing behind Light's pale form, the shadows darkening the unders of his eyes. Before he can comprehend what is going on, he hears Soichiro groan in pain. Quickly turning; he spots Soichiro collapse, Sayu screams, but L doesn't listen, instead, he runs out of the room, towards where they are containing Light.

As everything blurs and spins, L stumbles, his heart lurching in his chest as he fumbles for the keys in his pocket, sliding the right one into the lock, twisting it and unlocking the door, pressing a button to send a signal to Watari.

Pushing the door open, L can scarcely believe what he's seeing as he watches Light lay stillon the floor, the only sign of life the rising and falling of his chest. Quietly, as if not wanting to disturb him, L creeps closer, before grabbing his arms, removing the handcuffs with a smaller key, and picking him up slowly.

Without a stir, or even a change of breath, Light easily moves as L wishes, successfully scaring L beyond what he has ever comprehended beforehand. The practically dead form of Light seems lighter than he should be, and L bites his lip nervously, raising his free hand to his mouth to chew his nails as he drags Light from his containment cell, scarcely wanting to read the words written in the murderer's blood.

 _Monster_.

~~~

Ryuk groans while floating along behind Rem, who is floating behind the staggering L, clutching onto the slumped Light. Almost a comedic sight if it weren't for the blood still trickling down Light's arms. Sighing, Ryuk bites an apple, (juicy, unlike the apples where he comes from) which sprays juice onto Rem's cheek.

As he gets glared at, Ryuk discreetly pulls his Death Note from his pocket, (after all, what would be the point in hanging around a disfunctional version of the killer he knew?) and beginning to write Light's name; however, L turns around, staring into Ryuk's eyes with an unflinching gaze, "Are you planning on killing Light-Kun?" he asks, tilting his head and holding Light closer, "Because I can give you a reason why you shouldn't do that."

Chuckling, Ryuk tucks his book back in his pocket, "Oh? And what reason is that then?"

"Because he is going to renounce the Death Note, and you are going to return his memories to him, through whatever means necessary."

"Impossi-" Ryuk starts, before shutting his mouth as L sends a withering glare towards the Shinigami.

"It isn't impossible, you will do it, and then you'll have a great story to share with your friends wherever you come from."

At that sentence, Light stirs, his eyes opening slightly, as he clutches to L tightly, finally opening his mouth and whispering, "Kill me..."


	7. Chapter 7

L inhales sharply, his breath hitching somewhere along the line, the taste of strawberries suddenly bitter in his mouth, no longer comforting to the dark haired male. As Light shifts, his eyes fluttering, not quite open, he ponders what escaped the brunettes lips, _kill me_ was it a challenge? Or merely a plea for help? Head spinning, L tries approaching it with a clear mind, suddenly realising how hard it is, when someone he had once called friend could be dying from blood loss, with a death wish.

Cautiously, he places his hand on Light's shoulder, jostling him awake, as he finally find the words and lets them escape his lips, "Light-san, we are nearly at a more secure location..." and he pulls away, suddenly aware of the growing gap between them. As it should be, after all, Light is a murderer, and L, a righteous man... Although, Light thought he was a righteous man...

Shaking his head, L looks away from Light, moving away from him as he groggily becomes awake of his surroundings, still dizzy from the blood loss. Cheeks pales, Light makes eye contact with L, before laughing slightly.

"You know..." Light finally croaks, his voice cracking from the dryness, "Even though I'm a murderer, I still want to be your friend. I know that sounds stupid, but I really do want to stay your friend L..." he hisses as he brushes against one of the wounds on his right arm, tenderly pulling it to his chest.

L studies him, quickly deducing that he is indeed telling the truth, before quickly assessing his own feelings, putting them into graphs and tables, finally coming up with an answer which he is hesitant to share with the already emotionally unstable Light.

"Light-san, there is less than a 5 percent chance, logically, that we could become friends again," he finally delivers, his bluntness even making him flinch, before quickly shifting back as Light pinches his own arm, causing the crusting blood on his arm to split open, as L tries to recover him from the situation, "That is logically speaking though, who knows about illogically speaking."

Light stares at L, letting go of his arm and leaning back, eyes dropping closed as he processes the inform, "If you were to percentage it illogically, what would it be, L?"

Biting his thumbnail, L replies as honestly as he can, "It can't be graphed how much I want to be friends with you again Light-san... After all, you were my first friend, perhaps my only friend, as Misa didn't really count," he leans his head back, "It is illogical though, therefore it should be ignored-"

"-So we could be friends?"

"... There is only a slim chance, but yes, we could be friends, Light-Kun."

"You called me Light-Kun..." Light states, staring numbly down at his hands.

"A slip up. It will not happen again."


	8. Chapter 8

The silence between them is so fragile it seems to slowly break apart with each breath. Every exhale causes the atmosphere to grow tenser, every slight shift causing them to both grow nervous. Before it can continue for any longer, Light lets out a shuddering breath, leaning his head back against the window and shifting his body so it faces L, "Well, L..." he mutters, "Where are we going?"

Blinking, L shifts his own body to face Light, before cooking his head to the side, swaying slightly from the lack of seatbelt, "We are going far away, somewhere where you will not need to interact with other people... A safe haven, I suppose," he gauges Light's reaction, which is surprisingly better than he was expecting. The darkness lurking in his eyes ease a bit, his shoulders slightly less tense than before.

"So... I won't be able to hurt anyone?" he asks softly, clutching at his pants and blinking a few times, before jerking his head to stare directly into L's eyes, "Especially... Not you...?" and he flushes, eyes filling with tears as he bites his lip, and lets them fall. An act? L cannot tell. But it seems real, so his... "Instincts" kick in.

More like him awkwardly lifting his leg and poking Light in the side of his face with his big toe, "Are you alright Light-san?" he finally asks, resting his leg in Light's lap and giving him a look of restrained worry, "I mean... I know you aren't alright, but do you think-"

"Please stop being so kind to me L."

This makes L's face warm slightly, as he glances away, "What do you mean by that Light-san?"

Gulping slightly, Light wipes away his tears, the choking sensation in his throat preventing him from saying anymore, as the car pulls to a stop. L slowly leans forward, touching Light's shoulder with s saddened expression,only to leap back as the door is opened.

Composing himself quickly, L clambers out of the car offering his hand to Light with a tight smile. Without a second though, Light grabs it, arm stinging slightly as L tugs on it, pulling him out of the car and out into the blinding sunlight.

It's pureness gleams down on him, causing Light to take in a sharp gasp of air, as his heart rate increases slightly, and his head spins as soon as L lets go of his hand.

Looking after him, Light gasps in shock at the sight before him; a beautiful medium sized house, with many windows in the side, revealing the rooms, some with bookshelves that go to the ceiling, on with a kitchen all bright and clean, a living room...

Turning to Light, L smiles slightly, "Do you like it?"


	9. Chapter 9

Nodding, Light breathes, "It is incredible L..."

Scarcely able to breathe, L pulls the keys to the front door out of his pocket, blinking quickly, feet twitching inside his shoes (no socks) and heart pounding as he slides the key inside the lock, turning it to the side with a nervous cough.

Light paces behind him, scratching down his arms, causing the cuts to start bleeding again, while muttering something under his breath. L opens the door, turning to glance at Light, "Well, welcome to your new home Light-san."

"Home...? I thought I was going to prison... Or would get the death penalty..." Light murmurs, following L with a curious expression, "So unless someone is waiting to shoot me; which is unlikely... I have been put under house arrest..."

Cautiously, as if approaching a sleeping bear, L places a hand on Light's arm, "Light-san, you are here to try and calm your emotional state, and also to live out the rest of your life, your punishment will be solitude from the outside world, and also to show the videos from brave people who lost their friends and family from your actions. Many of those people you killed were innocent Light-san."

Breath lost, Light nods numbly, hands twitching slightly as he contemplates choking L. It would be quite easy, wrapping his hands around his slim, pale throat and watching the life fade from his eyes, watch his deathly pale face turn purple as the carbon dioxide builds up... Hear his neck snap... Light jumps away, clawing at his arms as he tries to rid the thoughts from his mind, gasping for air as L tilts his head to the side.

"I did not think you'd react so strongly Light-san. Perhaps you need to sleep, or whatever it is people are supposed to do when they need to calm down."

Shaking, Light slumps against the wall, feeling himself talking without meaning to, feeling himself shark and snap, becoming the monster under the bed.

"I'M JUSTICE!" but who is screaming that? "I'M THE LEADER OF A JUST WORLD!" but who is believing that? "YOU'RE THE ENEMY!" Light screams on the inside, not believing the words escaping his lips, not wanting to lunge at L, not meaning to but having his body do it anyway.

Before he can try to regain control, he feels something plunge into his neck, causing his conciousness to fade out.

"I'm sorry Light-Kun."


	10. Chapter 10

Light's eyes slowly open again, his breath leaving cold bursts of air to condense in front of him instantaneously. He sighs, recalling his outburst with contempt, his mind just screaming _youfuckedupyoufuckupyou-_ over and over, leaving him to stare blankly forward, the shame clawing through his stomach more intensely than before, as he faintly becomes aware of the restrains on his arms, keeping his arms held behind him, with his legs strapped to the chair... Or is it a stool? He is sitting on. Great.

A silhouetted figure stands in front of him, their facial structure blurred by the shadows obscuring it. Light struggles to keep his eyes open, his heart thumping hard in his chest as it steps closer, the slouch suddenly becoming familiar as he smiles tensely, "L," he states, tilting his head to the side, a spark of the old competitiveness coming back into his soul, as he straightens his slowly disintegrating posture, "I... I..." he winces as he scrapes his arms against their bonds, the cuts (most likely cleaned, from what he can feel) stinging sharply as the nerves react to the unwanted touch.

L steps closer, slowly touching Light's shoulder, suddenly straightening his posture, looking dead into Light's eyes, the light hitting his features so that the shadows under his eyes appear larger than ever, and his eyes shine. Before Light can come up with a witty remark, or another apology, L sighs, "Light-san, we're going to make you renounce the Death Note, and Ryuk will restore your memories... Perhaps with less detail, but it will still happen..."

Light gapes at L. After a few seconds, he closes his mouth and gulps. L tilts his head the same way as Light has his head tilted, before smiling encouragingly. Their noses are only a few inches apart, as L practically stoops over Light. As soon as Light realises this, he shifts uncomfortably, "Umm... Can you please remove the restraints?" he finally asks, making L step back, his eyes widening.

"Of course! I'm so sorry Light-san, it was to make sure you didn't harm yourself or others when you woke up. I'm so sorry!" L scurries behind Light, making the hairs on the back of the brunette's neck prickle, as L undoes the straps, biting his lip, "Legs too? Are you in a stable emotional state? Not likely to flip out?"

Nodding absentmindedly, Light turns his head to try and look at L, who has gotten the restraints off of his arms, "Yes. Legs too... I think I'm stable emotional state, and I won't freak out... Most likely..." Light turns back forward, and L quickly works on his legs, the straps coming undone with ease. Light sighs and stretches his legs out, letting out a soft groan as a cramp in his leg fades away. L stands up, still slouching, and wanders in front of Light, who is still sitting. Sighing, Light leans forward, about to stand when L gently places a hand against Light's chest, a look of concern on his face. Light's cheeks warm slightly, as he tries to move away, only to feel the hand move across his chest to over his heart, to onto his upper left arm, down to his wrist. L gulps slightly, trailing a finger across the still uncovered cuts.

"I'm going to need to bandage those..." L's voice trails off, as he realises Light's eyes fixed on his face, his mouth slightly open as he breathes, every cloudy breath showing in the air, "And we should move somewhere warmer than here. If we don't, there is a 43 percent chance that you will get frostbite of some kind. Come on Light-Kun," and he tugs Light up.

"L...?"

"Yes Light-Kun?"

"Thankyou."


	11. Chapter 11

"-Just need to wrap this bandage 3.45 times around your arm in order to have enough bandages left over to do the rest of your wounds, hold still Light-Kun," L mutters, pulling out a bandage from a medicine box, as they sit in a brightly lit bathroom, the sink which the box is sitting in is a pale cream, which matches the tiles on the wall next to the bath, which Light is perched on the edge of awkwardly. L is bending over Light, his posture slightly straighter than normal, as he furrows his brow in concentration, "You will need to shower soon, after your shower, I will wrap these up again."

Light blinks, only just registering what L has said, "Wait, what?" he asks, flinching as L cleans one of the cuts roughly, "I don't have any clothes here, do I?"

No response is earned, so Light pulls his arm away, receiving an sharp look from L, as he grabs it again. Now clutching the brunette's arm tighter than before, L continues to tend to the wounds Light had inflicted on himself. And while he tries to keep his thoughts reasonable, the only thoughts that L can muster are worried, sentimental thoughts that send warning bells throughout his logic. _Don't get attached, you know what happens when you make friends, especially with Light. He wanted to kill you. He may still want to kill you._

A sigh escapes from Light, his mouth slightly open, eyes with shadows underneath them, pupils slightly... Dilated...? L tilts his head, studying each detail of Light in a different way than before. A few days of facial hair shadowing Light's jawline... Generally untidy appearance, not too strange considering the circumstances... The small cut on his lip, which L can't help but reach out and touch.

Light shirks back; nearly falling into the tub. His arm is grabbed by L, and he is pulled back forward, as L slowly moves closer, picking up the cleaner and wiping it along the cut. Light winces, tilting his head away. The thoughts in L's head rise to a crescendo, _STOP IT HE'S GOING TO HURT YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE_. But the distance between them closes, and before either of them can register what is happening- The door opens.

L leaps back, knocking over bottles of medicines and chemicals as he flops against the sink, a few bandages falling on his head, as Ryuk floats in through the door, chuckling as Soichiro stalks in, Light tries his hardest to not flinch at the sight of his frowning father, and instead turns his attention to L, "Are you alright there?"

"... Just peachy Light-K- Ehem, Light-san."


	12. Chapter 12

Soichiro stands tall, his features a mask as he stares at his son, face shadowed, eyes dark. Light squirms under his fathers gaze, pulling himself up in the tub as he gulps softly, not daring to make eye contact with the man who has raised him from birth. Not wanting to anger his father any more than he already has. Soichiro raises his hand slightly from his side, and Light flinches, already imagining the hand crossing his face, imagining the shouting escaping his father, imagining the look of contempt.

But rather than strike his son, Soichiro raises the hand and rubs his face, sighing from deep within as his shoulders drop, eyebrows pinching together. Light blinks, not sure where to look, at his fathers face, or to L, who is watching the scene with a curious expression gracing his pale face. Light settles for neither, deciding to look down at his hands, and the bandages covering his arms. The cuts itch slightly, almost begging for attention as he brushes a hand over them. He knows that the scars will not be too noticeable when the wounds heal.

L clears his throat, interrupting the awkward silence before it grows too suffocating, Light clambers out of the bathtub, his cheeks flushed, as L slowly stands. They both glance at each other, giving each other the moral support needed in order to interact with Soichiro.

This was going to be an awkward conversation.

~~~

It did not end well.

After a few minutes of calm from all present, Light had started feeling sick, Soichiro had noticed, and instantly started yelling at his son, saying that the weakness was unacceptable, that Light should not feel bad for himself after murdering all the innocents. L tried to step in and stop Light from freaking out, and stop Soichiro from yelling, but he couldn't.

It ended up with Soichiro storming out, and leaving, with Light sobbing on the floor, L cautiously rubbing the brunette's back while crouching next to him.

~~~

Now they are both in the sitting room, Light lying on a couch, clutching a pillow to his stomach, still quivering, his eyes red and sore from crying. L sits on the floor next to Light's body, a bowl of strawberries in front of him, as he gently rubs Light's arm, not sure of what to say. Light sniffles curling tighter onto his pillow, before smiling softly at L, "At least that's over with," he croaks, voice cracking slightly, "I won't have to worry about that anymore..."

Blinking, L stares at Light, again mesmerised by the curve of his lips, and the curl of his eyelashes. Thankfully, Light doesn't notice the staring, as he is too focused on a painting on the wall, capturing a scene of a hummingbird drinking from a flower. As Light studies the portrait, L studies Light. Quickly deducing that he is hungry from features on the males face he had seen before.

"Do you want something to eat, Light-Kun?" L asks, tilting his head slightly, interpreting the movements of Light as he startles, "I can tell your're hungry, so it's more a question of what you'd like to eat."

Light makes eye contact with L, briefly contemplating the statement, as he rubs his stomach, "Something with pork would be nice, maybe sweet and sour-"

Chuckling, L responds, "I don't think there are any Chinese restaurants around here, and it isn't a very nationalistic food, Light-Kun, but I'm sure I can find a recipe for it online," and he climbs up, only for Light to snap his hand out and grab L by the wrist, eyes wide. Light flinches, expecting L to yell at him, instead, L sits awkwardly on a bit of space left on the couch, leaning over and gently running a hand over Light's forehead, "I'll check in on you every now and again if you don't want to get up, or I can call Watari and get him to cook for us."

Sniffling, Light lets go of L's wrist, curling his hand back onto the pillow, blinking softly at L, before Nodding and replying, "You go cook, I'll be fine by myself."

L smiles slightly, and stands, "Alright, I'll check in when I can, call if you need anything," and he goes out the door.


	13. Chapter 13

As L busies himself with cooking, Light curls into a ball, his right hand slowly reaching up to the TV remote conveniently left on the arm of the couch. As he flicks on the TV, the first thing he sees is a bloody room, and, with a gasp, Light realises it is the small room he was kept in when he slit open his wrists and wrote onto the wall in his own blood. Flinching, Light watches while his stomach twists awfully, as he listens to the News Reporter confirming that Kira's reign was over, that they had captured and contained Kira, with this being the resul-

**CRASH!**

"L? Are you alright?" Light calls, lifting his head from the pillow and quickly sitting up. L calls something back from the kitchen, but Light can't make out what he's saying. He climbs up from the couch, and creeps his way into the kitchen, bursting out laughing as he finds L on the floor, a few pots next to him with flour on his nose, "W-what happened?" he finally gasps, his face etched with humour, "Why do you have flour on your nose?"

A blush spreads across L's cheeks, as he swipes at his nose, "I was trying to find the right pan for this, and the flour bag spurted flour at me when I nudged it. Then, because of the angle a pan was placed on the flour bag, the pan fell out, taking the others with it. I am ninety-eight percent sure that you should not stack pans like that," and he crosses his arms, a pout settling on his face. Light steps closer, gently wiping off the remaining flour on L's face, and smiles at L softly. L chews his lip thoughtfully, as he interprets the new data from Light, "Light-Kun, you appear to care about my wellbeing enough to be trusted. There is now only a twelve percent chance that you will harm me, and it is slowly dropping by the minute."

Light feels his cheeks warm, as he smiles at L, "Well... Thank-you for trusting me, L."

Clearing his throat, L pulls himself up, picking up the pots and pans that are scattered on the floor and quickly placing them on a bench, before murmuring, "Lawliet."

Tilting his head to the side, Light asks quietly, "Pardon?" and he steps closer, placing a hand on L's shoulder, and studying L's face with a quiet calm.

"My name... L Lawliet, you can call me Lawliet... If you want..."

Nodding, Light goes as if to reply, only to be stopped by L slowly sliding a finger across the brunettes upper lip. He blushes, as his heart thumps faster in his chest, L pulls his fingers away, as Light croaks, "As you wish Lawliet. I will probably call you L though."


	14. Chapter 14

Silence smothers the table as L and Light eat their dinner, sitting side by side (Light felt too exposed otherwise). Light's eyes glance over to L, flitting back to his plate as L turns slightly. The silence makes Light's stomach twist and convulse, before he finally croaks, "Any new mysteries for you to solve?" causing L to raise an eyebrow at him suspiciously.

"Why would there be Light-kun?" he asks heavily, making Light flinch away slightly and put down his chopsticks, biting his lip nervously. L's eyes widen as he turns to Light, suddenly realising the way he'd spoken, "I-I... Light-kun, it's a force of habit. And now there's a ninety-eight percent chance that you're going to hate me even more... I'm sorry."

Light straightens up, glancing over to L and placing a hand over L's, "No! No, it's okay! I'm the one who should be sorry, if you don't want to discuss cases with me it's fine," he pulls his hand away suddenly, feeling his stomach contract and heart throb in his chest, "Lawliet, I didn't mean to annoy you," and he shifts away from the silence L seems to produce in copious amounts.

With a soft sigh, L flashes a smile at Light, whispering lowly, "I didn't mean to make you nervous Light-kun, it's just that I've never really talked to people about cases... Most humans, well, are not of a high enough intelligence to comprehend data on a higher level, and the ones that could..." he trails off, his features suddenly dropping, and eyes darkening, the facade of strength he had displayed for so long cracking ever so slightly. Light leans closer, his eyes questioning and caring, as he places a hand onto L's shoulder, silently encouraging the raven haired male to continue. Sighing heavily, L quirks a smile up again, picking up a single chopstick between his thumb and forefinger, spearing a slice of pork onto the stick, as he murmurs, "Well, the ones that could are not able to be contacted," and he slowly returns to eating his meal.

Retracting his arm back to his side, Light turns back forward, continuing to eat his meal as well, an uncomfortable silence growing once again. After eating, Light clears up the dishes, muttering something about wanting to help, as L slumps into the living room. Stomach convulsing, Light brings the dishes into the kitchen, wincing as he scrapes his arm again. Light peers down at the material making a thin barrier from the elements to his wounds, noticing a patch of darkened blood that has seeped through to the surface of the cloth. Wincing slightly, Light washes up the few dishes, not bothering to dry them afterwards, and moves back into the living room, where L is standing in front of the TV, flicking between channels with a glare fixated on his face.

"What's the matter?" Light asks, shuffling further into the room. As he spots what they are playing on the TV, a strong wave of dizziness hits him. As his world spins, the only thing not blurred is the TV, where it shows the same room he saw before, the one where he slit his wrists open. His stomach convulses as L turns to face him.

"Are you going to be okay?"

"I-I don't think so L."


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I really **REALLY** want to write a shameless smut but now is not the time.

Light can't stop crying. He knows that his weakness is unacceptable and that he should pull himself together, but he just can't. The water cascading down from the showerhead drowns out most of his sobs as he sits on the smooth floor in the shower. L knocks on his door, but Light doesn't listen, he just watches the steam rise from the floor and fill the room, tears still mixing with the water falling onto his sore body, washing away the small amount of dried blood on his arms, the dirty bandages left on the floor in his attempt to get into the shower as quickly as possible. The around him are translucent shower curtains, which create a blurry prison for him to be trapped inside.

Another knock on the door. L shouts something, but Light continues to ignore him, slowly running a finger along the wall of the shower-bath tub, feeling his stomach settle. He'd managed to keep his dinner down, just, as he'd run to the bathroom.

L barges through the door, making Light sit up in his tub, a silhouette in L's perspective. From Light's perspective, he sees a haunting silhouette. Light cautiously places his hand against the shower curtain, turning off the taps which are running so silence fills the room. L gulps audibly.

"Light-kun...?" he asks, voice trembling slightly, as he steps closer. After a few seconds of silence, he gets a small noise of confirmation from the brunette. Before L realises what he's doing, he's placed a hand against Light's trembling one, only millimetres apart by the curtain in between them. Clearing his throat, L calmly states, "You will need clothes. I have spare clothes that have an eighty percent chance of fitting you properly, and twenty percent chance that they will be too big for you, as they are meant to be comfortable clothes. I put then in the drier for the 12 minutes and twenty-five seconds I had spent before fearing for your mental state-" a soft sob cuts him off.

Carefully, L picks up a towel he had warmed up as well, turning his head away and opening the curtains slightly, pushing his hand through, holding the towel outstretched. Light leans forward and takes the towel, carefully touching the raven haired males hand and whispering, "Thank-you..."

A flush blooms on L's cheeks, but he draws it down to tiredness confusing his brain. Retracting his hand back, L waits for Light to finish drying himself, handing the clothes through the parting in the curtains, hands quivering, L nervously rubs the sweat from his hands onto his loose jeans, tugging on his shirt awkwardly while waiting for Light. He zones out slightly, returning to the real world a few minute later when he hears Light hiss in pain. Instantly, L voices his concerns, "Light-kun, do your injuries hurt you? I'll rewrap them as soon as you get out."

The silhouette nods, replying, "Alright Lawliet-kun," the name sounds strange coming from Light, but the way he'd said kun made a soft side of L absolutely melt. Quickly reasserting himself, L helps pull the curtain aside to let Light climb out of the tub, when he sees Light smothered in an old hoodie Watari had bought for him and a pair of loose track pants.

Something about him being wrapped up like that makes an instinct inside of L awaken. Before he can comprehend what he's doing, he's wrapped Light up in his arms and rested his chin onto Light's shoulder.

A muffled squeak is Light's response, before, tentatively, he returns the hug, nuzzling his face into L's hair softly, murmuring, "Lawliet-kun... Thank-you..."


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm planning on writing a smut for these two, but not in this book.

The time now 10:00 pm, Light has passed out on the couch, his face slightly red from crying, and arms rebandaged, one of the white strips peeking out above the sleeve on his wrist. L paces back and forth in front of him, trying to sort out his thoughts into logical sequences and numbers, only to be broken apart as Light's face pops back up into his head.

A sigh escapes his lips, as he quickly reshuffles his thoughts, quickly calculating a few equations in order to calm his thumping heart. He'd never experienced such a disorder of his mind before. Never experienced a disarray so humongous that it left his palms sweaty and body jittery. He tries to comprehend the complexity of his mind, suddenly aware of the littlest things going on around him. The movement of a curtain as a small breeze brushes against it, the twitch of Light's lips as he breathes softly and evenly, the way L's hands are pale in comparison to the carpet, the way Light sniffles slightly, the way Light's hair falls onto his face, the way Light is positioned on the couch...

Flinching, L turns himself away, beginning to pace again, back and forth, back and forth, back and... Light. He can't help but focus his attention to Light again. And before too long, his mind is consumed by thoughts of Light. The way he felt pressed against L's body, the smell of his hair after showering-

Shocked by the directions of his thoughts, L rubs his face, feeling his heart fluttering in his chest quickly. Freezing in place, L calculates his emotions, something he used to find easy, now far harder than it should be. A tinge of caring, a lot of nervousness, a touch of confusion. His brain practically whirs in his skull, as he puts together the practically incomprehensible data.

He definitely cares for L. That much is certain.

But with every pace back and forth, the answer shining through terrifies him. So he tries to distract himself by multiplying several three digit numbers together, shutting down the side of him that feels emotions while he traverses the numbers like he owns them. Safe inside of his numerical thoughts.

~~~

With a grimace crossing his face, Light finally crawls off of the couch, glancing at a clock on the wall, which reads 1:00 am. His arms burn with pain, making Light curl in on himself with a whimper. As he squeezes his eyes shut against the world, Ryuk floats inside the room, hovering past a glassy eyed and pacing L, to rest next to Light, whose breathing hitches as a painful jolt spears through his arms.

Quietly, as if Light were a sleeping bear, Ryuk slides his hand above and across Light's brow, barely a centimetre from touching his clammy skin. A soft red glow surrounds Ryuk's hand, as an energy passes from Light to the shinigami.

Like a ghost, Ryuk floats back, touching L softly on the shoulder. In a daze, L turns and stares straight into the shinigami's eyes, before nodding at Ryuk with a grateful expression. Softly, he whispers, "Thank-you..." before turning away, allowing Ryuk to fade away from the lives of people on Earth.

Light's brow relaxes, and a small smile plays on his lips before he falls back asleep.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I almost made this smut.
> 
> That'll be coming up soon.
> 
> Healing has to come first though.

As Light wakes up the next morning, he notices a difference in his body, in the way his hands no longer itch when not fiddling with something, in the way his shoulders are less tense than before, and in the way his mind is less consumed by guilt over the Death Note.

Slowly, as if he were made of lead, Light shifts, stretching out as far as he can reach, cautiously trying to figure out were he is. Something soft is draped over his body, and something soft is underneath his head.

A rhythmic thudding pulls him out of his sluggishness abruptly, as his eyes quickly flicker open, searching around for the source of the noise; Light sits up, still searching, before his eyes trail over to the hunched over, and pacing L. As L turns on his heel, he glances over at Light, shadows deeper and darker than before.

His owlish appearance startles Light, and he flinches back, curling his legs close to him as the blanket falls off of his body with a soft rustle. L blinks, the whites of his eyes burned red from his complete lack of sleep. L's eye begins to twitch, as his hands tremble with exhaustion.

"Light-kun, it appears you have arisen, I apologise for not moving you from the couch you are currently acquainted with; I hope the pillow I provided you with was suitable enough, although, your power ovsr the Death Note is now gone," he pauses, suddenly aware of the twitch. He puts his right hand over his eye, turning away, taking deep breaths in and out.

For a few seconds, Light feels intense joy of not being able to kill with the Death Note, only for him to begin worrying over L. Light clambers off of the couch without a second thought, crossing the room over to L with worry lines creasing his brow; L turns, and quickly uncovers his eye, trying to calm Light down.

"What's the matter Lawliet-kun?" he practically whimpers, his eyes wide with concern as L backs away slightly, his eye still twitching randomly. L tries to pacify Light with a tight smile, only for Light to panic even more, as he grabs L's arm and shakes him slightly, "Did you sleep last night...?" his voice comes out as a harsh whisper, his chest heaving from his panicked movements, his voice drops slightly, as Light croaks out, "Are you okay L?"

Flinching slightly, L pulls away, his thoughts coursing inappropriately throughout his mind, of Light's voice, husky and soft- he winces and pinches himself slightly, only to freeze as Light steps closer, his eyes half closed, eyelashes fluttering as the brunette blinks, touching L's arm ever-so-softly, just a whisper of affection.

Gulping, Light finally lifts his other hand, brushing against L's chest with only a small flicker of doubt showing on his face, his confidence half-hearted. A strangled gasp escapes L, as he grabs Light's hand and grabs him by the hip, his black hair messy, as they move over to the couch, Light looking like a deer caught in headlights. The brunette falls onto the couch arse first, his eyes wide, as L leans over him, his heart thumping quickly as he pushes his thumb into Light's side, earning a small hiss from him.

Finally, L's voice seems to work, as he whispers, "I'm not alright... I... Can't stop thinking about you," Light's face flushes red, and L grabs him by the wrist, surreptitiously placing a finger over his pulse, measuring it as he speaks huskily, "I can't decipher my emotions properly, I want to protect you, but I... I also want to... Touch you. Have you whisper into my ear. We both know that during our game of wits, there was always a hint of... Something," Light blushes harder, his breaths coming out in harsh gasps as L lets go of his wrist and instead runs his hand up Light's chest, looking into his dilated pupils, before growling, "And... I think we can act on those things... When you've healed."

With that, he pulls away, leaving Light on the couch, fumbling for words, with an almost painful erection in his pants.

"W-wait!" he gasps, grabbing onto L's wrist with a sudden burst of panic, "Where are you going?"

Eye still twitching slightly, L replies, "I'm making breakfast, do pancakes sound good?"

"Y-yeah, pancakes sound great!"

"Alright then Light-kun," and he leaves the room after tugging his wrist out of Light's grip, suddenly wondering if his confession was good enough.

It had to be.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *screaming as I procrastinate to high hell*
> 
> *screaming as I procrastinate writing smut*
> 
> *screaming*

"Why does it take so long to heal?" Light finds himself asking. It's been a few weeks since... What they both awkwardly refer to as the... **confession** , or the **incident** , depending on the context it is in.

L glances up from his pancakes, a weekly breakfast tradition since the day of the confession, L of course has covered his pancakes with sliced strawberries and bananas, with an unhealthy amount of maple syrup drizzled over the top. He tilts his head to the side, studying Light's face with great care. 

"It takes a long time because all injuries do. Whether mental or physical. The... Ehem... Incident did not help matters either," L finally replies, absent-mindedly drumming his fingers on the table as he spears a strawberry with a knife, (very typical of the great detective) Light coughs awkwardly, studying the shape of L's face hungrily, they had not even kissed yet! L hadn't wanted to pressure Light into a relationship, romantic or sexual, until Light was stable... Wait! _A relationship!?_ When had that thought even entered his mind...? Of course, the thought isn't that undesirable... L was unconventionally attractive, with the way his hair messily flopped over his eyes; and the pouting when he was bored... 

Light bites his lip softly, his plate already clean- when did that happen? It doesn't matter- and leans across, gazing at L through his eyelashes. The elder man sighs, looking away from Light with pity gracing his features, before standing and walking away, his hips tracked with Light's eyes out of the room... He blushes, suddenly realising his behaviour. Perhaps it was a side effect of the therapy L's putting him through, the sessions filled mostly with meditation and breathing exercises... And the odd talk through. It could also be a side effect of his... Illness, or illnesses. Putting L on a pedestal could potentially be dangerous to his mental health. 

"Light-kun." 

Raising his head up sharply, Light pulls himself back into reality. L is standing over him, pressing a hand to Light's forehead, his brow creased in worry, "Light-kun," L repeats, eyes wide, "I think you just had an out of body experience, you wouldn't move aside from breathing quickly and your eyes were glossed over. I need you to look at me, and breathe in and out slowly, can you do that?" 

Inhale, exhale, too sharp. Not enough oxygen in his lungs. Inhale, exhale, just a tad better. L's soothing voice over the top of the pounding in his head... Oh god his voice... Light blushes as L grabs his arm, shaking him ever so slightly, whispering calming things into the deafening roar of Light's blood rushing through his ears. Calming breaths. Healing. A flash of crimson as L rolls up Light's sleeve and sighs. 

"Light-kun. You are going to be alright." 

And for a split second, Light believes that. Just for a split second. 


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lil a bit of smut, but quite vanilla when you think about it. Mostly flowery bullocks. Also, nightmare dreamscape.

More days pass, each more awkward than the last. Light finds himself cooking more often as L trusts him more around knifes and hot surfaces.

After a satisfying noodle dish (that was prepared by Light), and a few cookies (prepared by L), Light takes himself to bed, feeling downtrodden by the lack of conversation between himself and the elder male.

As he slips into bed, he feels his eyes burn with tears.

Why did he always have to screw up?

_Light is lying on something hard, flat on his back. Everything is red, even when he closes his eyes, the red just gets darker. He squeezes his eyes shut and covers them with his hands, trying to escape the eternal redness._

_Somewhere within the abyss of crimson, a cruel voice chuckles. Light writhes, his body suddenly cold, and his hands burning over his eyes. He removes them with a whimper, as they itch and sting. His eyes fly open, staring up at a pair of glowing red eyes. He cries out, rolling over to look away, only for the eyes to be there as well. He closes his own, finding the eyes staring into him behind his eyelids._

_"Light..." the cruel voice grumbles as Light stands and blindly stumbles around, his breathing ragged. The eyes piercing into his own, unblinking and unwavering in their gaze. He screams, throat stinging from the exertion, "LIGHT YAGAMI!" he screams in response, head aching, body convulsing with every breath, "LIGHT YAGAMI, I AM HERE!"_

_His breathing quickens, his heart thumps hard, as the voice laughs, "Kira is not gone. I am here... I will always be here."_

~~~

Awaking with a gasp, Light reaches out his hand, scrabbling for purchase on something, anything! His eyes fill with tears as the dream rushes back to him... Those eyes still seem to watch his, as he glances around everywhere, searching for them. After his frantic search, he calms down enough to finally get a bearing of his surroundings. He's on a bed, ah yes, his bed! Soft enough to comfort his aching body. The pillow his head is resting on is just as soft. He remembers dragging himself here last night.

After a few seconds, Light realises his hand is curled up in something... He glances down his left arm (the bandages a sad link to his reality) and his breath hitches as his eyes trail down to his hand. He's holding someone's hand. L's hand. His eyes travel up L's hand and arm, his heartrate quickening ever so slightly. L rubs his thumb in circles on the palm of Light's hand, his eyes soft and kind.

"Light-kun," L whispers, "It has been a week since you had an out of body experience... And when you commented on how long it is taking to heal-"

Light reaches up with trembling hands and grabs L's shoulders, pulling himself up in the process, "Lawliet-kun, don't play games with me, please... Just..." his breath hitches as L trails his hands up Light's sides. He lets out a soft whimper, "Lawliet-kun..."

"Shh..." L leans forward, slowly making Light fall onto his back again, as L climbs over him so his hands are on either side of Light's head, "I'm not playing games. I've read that mutual masterbation is... One way to build up relationships..."

With a smirk, Light replies, "Where did you read that Lawliet-kun?" only for L to grind their crotches together unexpectedly.

They kiss roughly, their tongues sliding together, their pulses racing and cheeks flushing. Their hands fumbling together in their pants and their breaths intermingling. Building up higher and higher until they both fall, collapsing onto the sheets as their pulses fall.

"Light-kun..." L gasps into the brunettes neck, closing his eyes lazily.

"Lawliet-kun..." he replies, feeling himself fade away.

~~~

What seems like an eternity later, Light opens his eyes to L busying himself with the clean-up. Light lazily pulls himself up, clearing his throat and asks huskily, "Will this happen again? Or... Do I need to heal more...?"

L turns, smirking at Light, "It will definitely happen again, Light-kun... Most definitely."


	20. Chapter 20

Every day Light wakes up crying out, his palms sweaty and heart racing. His eyes flooding with tears as he flops back down, trying to restrain his sobs. L is always there within minutes though, his soft whispers instantly calming Light's fears.

Their kisses get more heated with each one, and some days neither want to do anything because the other is there. L always ends it before it goes too far though. Much to Light's disappointment. He tries so hard to heal himself for L, but Kira still lurks somewhere. He's sure of it. He can feel Kira's presence lingering in the back of his mind, silent for most of the time, but sometimes screaming over and over at Light until he wants to die.

Why can't he just be healed and normal?

~~~

Light uncurls his legs from underneath himself, placing the book he was reading onto the arm of the couch. L pokes his head out from the kitchen, "It is five minutes past three in the afternoon, and you haven't had lunch yet, do you want anything?"

A voice rises in the back of Light's mind. Whispering harshly, _You will never be normal,_ and Light feels his throat constrict, stomach convulsing painfully. He shakes his head, the voice in his mind escaping his mouth, _"I do not require anything,"_ and L raises an eyebrow at him, noticing the change in Light's mannerisms.

"You should eat something, otherwise your recovery will take longer, shall I make you a sandwich?"

The voice wells up inside Light again, _"I do not need it,"_ as Light scrabbles internally for control, his heart racing, "I mean, for now, I'll have an apple or something," he breathes a sigh of relief on the inside, the voice was probably nothing, he could control it, after all, keep it locked up.

L smiles, recognising the real Light's voice. He attempts to brush aside his concerns, and replies softly, "I'll cut one up for you, I'll be back in a minute Light-kun," and he ducks back into the kitchen.

Light flinches slightly, and claws desperately at his arms, trying to remove the monster lurking inside of himself. He's so busy trying to purify himself that he doesn't realise that L has peered back out from the kitchen, words dying in his pale throat. L gulps, biting his bottom lip, before sighing softly.

"Light-kun," he rasps.

"L! I-I-" Light starts to panic, his fingers pausing in their dreadful path down his arms, which now have bright red scrapes stretching from the elbows down. L walks over, holding the bowl with apple slices in it gingerly. The brunette pulls back, his eyes filling with tears as L sits gently next him the other on the couch. Light's stomach convulses, "I-I can't get rid of Kira, he's still here!" Light starts to sob, tucking his knees to his chest and burying his face in his hands, "I CAN'T GET RID OF HIM!" and his whole body shakes with every sob.

Softly patting Light on the shoulder, L whispers into Light's ear, "Ssh, it's okay, I'm here, it's okay," and Light buries his face into L's shoulder.

Closing his eyes, Light drifts off to sleep.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Read end of chapter for some important notes please.

"I wish I could go back in time and stop this from ever happening."

L glances up from his plate, locking eyes with Light. He bites his lip, and glances down at Light's plate. The food there is barely touched. The detective sighs, "Light-kun, you cannot beat yourself up over this," and he shifts his gaze over to the fluttering curtains. Light flinches, and his eyes fill with tears again. He chokes back a sob, shoving his plate away and standing up, turning his back on L.

His shoulders quake with every breath, and L softly slides off of his chair, and places his hand on Light's hip gently, turning the quivering man so he can look him in the eye. Light's face is raw emotion; the sadness and fear mixing together in a poisonous cocktail over his features. L feels his heart twist inside of his chest, as Light crumples inward in a fresh sobbing fit.

The voice that leaves Light is strangled and rough, "I'm a freak... I don't deserve to live. I... I **don't** deserve to live!" and his breathing rushes in and out of his lungs, not feeling like they are providing enough oxygen. L places both of his hands onto Light's shoulders, as Light cries out, his eyes closing as tears stream down his cheeks.

With only a little bit of effort, L guides Light's sobbing form over to a chair, placing Light onto it.

"Alright Light, I want you to take a deep breath in," he whispers into Light's ear, with his hands still on the others shoulders. Light complies, inhaling sharply, as L continues, "Now hold it for a second... And breathe out," Light breathes out, breath stuttering a few times.

They continue this for a while. Light finally calms down enough to be able to breathe without sobs interrupting each breath. "Oh my Light-kun," L whispers, "How can I care so much? I know you've murdered people... Criminals, but still..." his voice trails off. Light looks up at L, his eyes puffy, L swallows thickly, "I find that I care about you more than acceptable..." Light lowers his head, hair falling over his eyes, "But I still care, I care so much..."

After a while, L moves over to the couch, gesturing for Light to follow him. He complies, only hesitating for the briefest of moments. They sit next to each other, some space between them. Slowly, L reaches across and links fingers with Light.

"Yesterday you said that Kira was still there, would you like to describe that to me? We could get a professional to talk to you instead, if you'd like."

Light doesn't respond verbally, but L can feel the brunette tense up, and his hand squeezes tightly against L's. They don't speak for a while.

It seems like an eternity has passed before Light replies, "A professional wouldn't work out. No one would take pity on a freak like me," he bites his lip, eyes downcast, "Because I lied. Kira isn't a separate entity from me. Or was it lying? I thought he was someone else..." he curls inwards slightly, "Who was I kidding?"

L swallows the lump forming in his throat, "You can't help what you-"

And suddenly Light is off of the sofa, face contorted into a shadowy version of itself as he screams, tugging at his hair, angry, hot tears rolling down his cheeks. L flinches internally, as Light barely shouts through his anguished screeches, "I HAD A CHOICE! I KILLED THOSE PEOPLE WITH NO REMORSE! HOW MANY WERE INNOCENT!?" and he begins to hyperventilate, his vision darkening as well as pulsing around the edges.

He blacks out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooooooo
> 
> I've realised something.
> 
> I've realised this story is unable, is physically incapable....
> 
> Of being a fix it au.
> 
> Realistically speaking, this isn't an au where Light says a simple apology and they go on to be gay husbandos for the rest of time. In this universe that seriously is pushing the limits of realistic reactions.
> 
> L still can love Light, obviously, but the love is broken. It can't fix everything.
> 
> I'm seriously contemplating having Light end up in intensive care for people like him (murderers) and having L slowly stop visiting him over time when he realises he can't fix it.
> 
> I'm also seriously thinking of having Light just... Kill himself.
> 
> There's no chance that Light will be okay. That everyone can love him.
> 
> Heck, L loves him, mostly for the side of him that is physically incapable of coming to the surface.
> 
> This is a depressing fic.
> 
> This is not a fix it au.


	22. Chapter 22

They can't keep going on like this. L can't keep going on like this. He can't keep loving Light.

And yet, he does. He loves him so much. L loves Light to the very depth of his being, an ache that grows stronger the further away he goes from Light.

L sobs, clutching at Light's semi-conscious form, hoping, praying that this choice is the right one. It has to be. He's giving up this broken care of the other in order to take more care of him.

It's a cruel and twisted world they live in. A world where he has to give up Light in order to protect him. A siren wails outside, but L can't let go of Light. He won't! He can't...

Light smiles softly up at L, his eyelids lifting slightly so he can view L through his lashes.

He wraps his own arms around L, and softly pulls himself closer. Feeling the raven haired man sob. Light smiles against L's chest, "I love you."

L whimpers, clutching Light close as the front door opens, still far away. Little time feeling like an eternity as L replies, "I love you too."

~~~

They've taken him away. They've taken his Light away.

L pours himself a cup of coffee, the third one this morning.

Three weeks of rehabilitation, the lady had told L when they took Light away from his arms. Three weeks without visitors. L had deduced her every movement to keep himself calm. But it was boring, simple. The only person who had been interesting to deduce was Light.

Now Light is gone.

Gone for one day and L can feel himself longing for Light's company.

L sighs, sipping the coffee again. The many spoonfuls of sugar don't make the situation any sweeter, though.

His phone rings, and he numbly picks it up.

"Hello?"

_"L, we have to talk to you."_

"Go ahead. I don't have anything better to do, Mello and Near."

~~~

Three days into Light's rehab.

Near and Mello had come over from their home to visit L. God knows why.

They were only just keeping L's spirits up.

They didn't know the extent of how much L cared for Light, however, they knew how to cheer L up. As much as L can be cheered anyway.

They talk, and eat sweet things (L eating them with a lot less pleasure than before), and discuss intellectually.

At least, for a while.

~~~

Five days into Light's rehab.

"I don't want to play scrabble!" Mello shouts, crossing his arms across his chest. Dark circles shadow his eyes.

Near pouts a little. Before replying, "Alright, a jigsaw then?"

L smiles softly at the two of them bickering back and forth, feeling the ache that seems to have become a part of him throb with longing.

A crash distracts him from his musing. Near is holding the lid of a dusty jigsaw, the bottom of the box on the floor. Pieces are scattered around, as Mello rolls his eyes and groans.

~~~

Seven days into Light's rehab.

L is more restless than before. He goes for runs in the morning, only to come back later and rather than take a rest, goes back to pacing around the living room.

Near has completed all the jigsaws in the house, and feels restless as well, however, he internalises his energy, turning it into rapid blinking, or twitching fingers.

Mello shouts, and hits things. L is grateful that he has a punching bag in the house. Otherwise more objects would be broken.

~~~

Twelve days into Light's rehab.

They've gotten more used to living in the same proximity of each other, however, Near and Mello promise to leave if L wishes it.

But he doesn't. How can he explain the way he needs them, but needs Light more? He's poisoned his own thoughts, filled with Light, only Light. The way his eyes brightened when L told him that he cared, the way Light smiled weakly when L held him tight.

"Does anyone want to play scrabble?" Near pipes up, his face placid, no longer blinking rapidly.

Mello sighs, before nodding, "Very well."

As they play, L finds words that he can't help but link back to Light. From broken to capable. He can't help it. Every breath he takes seems to make the ache inside of him grow.

~~~

Sixteen days into Light's rehab.

Near and Mello had to leave. A new case had turned up, and L asked then to go and do it. After all, it was an interesting case, and L knew he'd be out of action for a while.

As soon as they're gone, L realises the crushing weight of his loss is harder to handle than he thought. Without Near and Mello as distractions, L finds his thoughts unable to stray from Light.

He spends his day after they're gone lying on the couch, curled inwards on himself. When night rolls around, he forces himself to eat, just so he has some energy for the days ahead.

~~~

They call him that night. Sixteen days in, and the institution calls.

L wearily pulls himself off of the couch, the plate he'd eaten dinner off falling onto the floor. The phone shrilly rings, as L picks it up.

"Hello?" he asks, feeling his hands shaking, "This is the phone of L," he makes sure the voice scrambling application is still working on his phone.

 _"Good, I didn't feel like chasing down different phone lines to find you,"_ a woman's voice crackles through the phone line, _"Thankyou for picking up so quickly, the doctors here wanted to let you know that Light will be ready for visitors tomorrow."_

"Oh, well, yes, do I have to make an appointment or...?"

 _"No appointment necessary,"_ and the line goes dead.

~~~

L paces back and forth, back and forth. Over and over again. Breathing so quiet, as if he is dead. Back and forth, back and forth. The footsteps echoing loudly all around. Back and forth, back and forth. In the lobby of the mental institution. The tiled floors so white they hurt his eyes.

Back and forth, back and forth. He stops. Before beginning to pick at his nails, realising that he's chewed some down so much that they sting slightly when pressure is placed on them.

"Ryuzaki San, the patient is now ready for you," the receptionist states, peering over her glasses, "Odd name that fellow has. A bit ironic considering the things he's done," she pauses, quickly reading the monitor next to her, "Sorry, I know it isn't my place to say anything, go on ahead."

Nodding, L walks down the hallway, instructions to get to Light playing in his head on repeat. It seems like the distance between turns takes forever. L twitches, twisting his hands together nervously.

He's at the door. A man standing outside inclines his head, "When you go in, there is a corridor with thee workers who need to check you for potentially harmful substances or objects. I will follow you to the end of the hallway; there will be a sliding metal door. When you wish to leave, you will need to press a button on the wall and request to be let out. I will be waiting outside for you in case the patient attempts to be violent. As requested, the cameras will be switched off, along with the microphones."

L gently nods his head, "Alright, let's go in."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo
> 
> I'm back.
> 
> I've actually had this chapter lurking for a while. Sorry about that. I thought I had uploaded it. I guess I didn't.
> 
> As you can tell, it is going to get pretty bleak from here onwards. I mean, it was bleak already; but now it is going to get even worse.
> 
> My writing isn't up to scratch at the moment, I apologise for that. I have another chapter in the construction phases.
> 
> If anyone can suggest a new fandom for me to get into, I'd appreciate it. I mean, it might help me get my spirits up again? Please don't suggest an anime, I'm not in the mood for any.
> 
> Okay guys, I'll see you soon


	23. Chapter 23

When L walks into the room, Light is sitting in the centre of it; completely ignoring the chairs that are available for him to sit on. There is a table with a chess set placed on top of it, waiting, almost begging to be played.

L's eyes flicker to Light, who perks his head up, "L?" he murmurs, almost disbelieving. L can barely believe it either. The days apart had seemed so long while he experienced them; but looking back now he can scarcely imagine how much time has passed. Light lifts himself off the floor, but sits down at the chess set, and nods his head towards it, "For old times?" he asks, not really begging. Just a simple request that somehow held all the meaning in the world.

"For old times."

And they begin, no words being passed between them, only knowing looks, and soft murmurs of emotion. They play, and after every match, reset the board and switch colours, the repetition making the ordeal smooth, calm. Black, white, black, white.

Back and forth, black, white, black, white.

"I love you."

It is L who breaks the silence with his three word, three syllable sentence.

Light nods, and replies, like he's said it for years, "I love you too," and they lapse back into silence. They've played for hours, their perspective of time warped and twisted. The institution staff come in with refreshments, and ask if L would like to leave. He shakes his head no, and they play again.

Finally, Light sighs, and stands up, making his way over to one of the walls, and placing his hand against it, "There are no windows here. I miss the outside world."

"You can always leave, I'll work something out, Light."

"No kun?" Light asks, not turning around, "Finally stopped trying to distance yourself from me? Why would you do that, L?"

L's eyebrows draw together slightly, "I missed you-"

Light cuts him off, "Missed? Past tense? L, I am no longer the murderer. I am a man willing to pay for his sins, someone who will never be the same as the one you fell in love with. You mean miss, present tense."

"You're going on death penalty, aren't you?" L asks, turning himself away from Light. Light doesn't reply, or turn around.

They stand in silence, before L finally stands up from his chair, "I will see you one more time before you die, Light," and he opens the door, taking one last look at the man he used to love, before walking out and closing it softly.

Light whispers to the shut door, "I'm sorry."


	24. Chapter 24

"You're going to die tomorrow."

This isn't a threat, merely a statement of events that are sure to happen; no matter the choices made prior.

"I know I am."

A confirmation of this statement. The room-no, **cell** they are sitting in reeks of death. There are long, gouged out marks in the walls, counting down the days until death. And yet, Light sits, his gaze calculating, his fingers laced together in his lap. So accepting of what is coming.

So why couldn't L accept it?

Light sighs softly, before leaning back in the hard chair he is resting on. No comforts for sinners. "You made true on your promise, L. So... Why did you come? Surely it isn't to gloat, to rub defeat in my face until I beg for mercy... So why?"

L finds himself unable to answer. He turns his head away to stare at the camera monitoring their conversation. There was no way for him to have it disabled. Light smirks at his hesitation.

"Because you are like me." he finally replies; after what seems like an eternity. "You are intelligent; perhaps more intelligent than me. And yet, you are so different. I could name all the differences right now; and all the similarities-" he stands, suddenly being swept up in a crescendo of emotion, so unlike himself, "-I could graph them! I could give you percentages! I could figure you out, Light-San!" formalities, for the camera only. Light cannot lock eyes with L, as the man begins to shake violently. "If only you'd give me a chance! A chance to fix this, figure out where you went wrong!" he chokes, eyes filling with tears, "Please..."

Barely breathing, Light cries out, " **No one can fix me**!" and his facade of control falls, his shoulders tensing up, mouth twisting into an almost pained grimace, " **No one**!" the tears roll down his cheeks, dripping to the floor. "I'm a monster..." he finally gasps out, his fingers clenching into fists, "I'm a monster! Cursed to go to neither heaven or hell, due to the false belief that I was purifying the world!"

Choking, L replies, "Do you even believe in hell? Or heaven?"

Light pauses, the tears stopping. His breath comes out in quick puffs, before sobbing.

"I don't."


	25. Chapter 25

There's no funeral service. Light's father refused to have one, with the statement of, "He's no son of mine."

That didn't stop L from mourning.

No one could. Just as no one could stop him from destroying himself piece by piece. He refuses to eat, even his favourite deserts refuse to stay in his stomach. He purges. Every. Single. Day. Morning and night. Trying to cleanse his system, trying to get Light out of his head.

Finally, he reaches a breaking point.

He's showering, the water so hot it reddens his skin. He barely feels the pain. L slumps against the wall, sobbing heavily.

"No. No no no no no no. **NO**!"

Why couldn't L have saved Light?

Why couldn't he save himself...?

He finds his hand reaching for a razor blade, before pausing. His phone is ringing. He turns of the water.

"Hello?" he rasps into the phone.

" _L? There's a murder case I think you would be interested in. Want to check it out_?"

Mello?

"Why not."

He leaves the shower. Leaves the razor blade. Ready to throw himself into the new case.

Because he has to save himself. So he can save others.

He has to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... That's the end.
> 
> Hope you all 'enjoyed' this hellish ride.
> 
> This is really bad quality, but who cares.
> 
> AT LEAST I FINISHED IT, OKAY


End file.
